This Is Real Life… And I Don’t Know What I’m Gonna Do…

But I’m gonna do SOMETHING…

 

Apparently, I am back for good.

 

There’s just so much LIFE happening, I need a place to vent it out.

 

So long story short, back in May this year, where I work at, we all basically got told we were about to be laid off starting in July. They’re relocating our jobs to another state and at least 100 of us are about to be out on our behinds looking for other jobs.

Fortunately, many of them are finding jobs and have already dipped up and out.

But I just don’t know why it’s been so HARD for me to find something. I’ve been applying to tons and tons of jobs, I’ve had interviews, but not getting any offers.

For one thing, I know I’m a terrible interviewee. My personality just can’t seem to shine through when I’m being put on the spot. It’s just so HARD for me to basically tell these employers “Hey! I could possibly be thee GREATEST THING that stepped in here!”… without… you know… seeming over-confident. ūüėõ

But it’s not just the fact that it’s hard being hired… I’m still stuck in this limbo of wondering if I even¬†want¬†to be hired somewhere. And this is going to sound so contradicting to my previous post where I tried to establish money in it’s rightful place… I just HATE this life! Constantly making me contradict who I really am!

I DON’T care about¬†MONEY.

 

But I DO know that I NEED IT.

 

Which is why I continue to keep trying to push my blog but… man. It’s not ready…¬†I’m¬†not ready. I wanted to stay with this company while I continued to build up my side business. I wanted to be able to move from this job to a “career” whether it was to a corporate position or actually step into the entrepreneur shoes.

But, yet again, Life just prematurely screws up my endeavors and it’s just SICKENING.

I don’t want to be forced back into retail, I feel like I have FAR too much to offer to be accepting some sort of ground level position… AGAIN.

 

I just… I don’t know what to do.

 

For some reason, everything is starting to feel like a dead end. The job I really, REALLY wanted does not want me. I just don’t have enough experience for what they’re looking for, but I truly am grateful for the opportunity. It was for a marketing position and, besides what little I’ve been learning about through pursuing my blog and starting my youtube channel, I don’t know that much about marketing… But I figured, I’ve been self-teaching myself anyway and it’s obviously something I was willing to increase my skills in, so why not try? I completely understand why they turned me down, but in all honesty… I still wish they would’ve given me a shot.

I read one of my old post on this very blog, about me being¬†passable¬†and how I wanted to just take one skill and start excelling at it. And that skill was in art… I’ve really been practicing a lot, but I still feel like, especially compared to a lot of other talent out there, it’s still sub par.

 

And to add more insult to energy, I just don’t know if this is something I want to pursue anymore.

 

I’ve been randomly contacted by a contact at ToonBoom who is offering me his assistance regarding 2D animation. I think it was a survey, but it didn’t seem like it and besides, it’s been awhile since I’ve opened the software, so I’m not sure exactly why they’re reaching out to me¬†now. I just want to know what I’m doing… where I’m going… and why this life I live is just sooo TRIFLING. If it’s not one thing, it’s something else. I LITERALLY had just got done arguing with my bank over fraudulent activity that left my bank account overdrawn like $1,200… and then the day after I get it resolved… I get told that I’m losing my job, like WTFREAK!

 

But I just… I REFUSE.

 

I just don’t¬†WANT to¬†STAY DOWN.

 

I can’t give Life that power over me… because there’s just so much I want to do! So much I dream about doing, yes I’ve still been dreaming. I just refuse to let Life CRUSH that in me. I just… I don’t understand… I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

 

Well… here’s what it¬†sounds¬†like I’m gonna do:

  • Most likely stay until the end and get the severance pay out… I just FEEL that as soon as I get the severance paid to me, THEN I’ll start getting job offers… but that’s just me… we’ll see…
  • Keep fueling fire into my blog and business
  • Focus on finishing that online class
  • Just keep tossing my resume out there…
  • Pray… and keep hope alive.

 

Sounds about right.

 

I might need to arrange a night to just eat pizza and ice cream… or get some macaroni and cheese… or some key lime pie?

 

Sooooo, I’m gonna go (and spend the rest of my money on junk food…maybe…lol)

And until next time,

 

~thinkblind~

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It’s Been 4 Years!… Am I Back For Good?

Man, I forgot how much I enjoyed writing to this blog!

I decided to try and re-create myself by means of creating an art-based youtube channel. Slowly after that, I thought it might be a good idea to create a corresponding blog (www.kraizycolorfulplans.com if you ever wanna check that out).

I was doing all of this for the sole purpose of trying to generate more income.

But then, I found myself looking through this Twilight Zone full of old blogs that I just stopped writing to years ago, and I came across iThinkBlind.

For the past couple of days, I’ve been re-reading my old posts and so many of them have made me laugh and have shocked me. I can’t believe I was writing this kind of content YEARS ago. And honestly… I still feel like it’s amazing!

I remember when I started this blog… I was just sooooooo nervous! As pretty much many of my posts will constantly remind you, I can be quite the nervous type when it comes to trying to reveal my inner INNER thoughts lol. And… it was just so much fun to go back and reread those inner thoughts as well.

I think the main reason I’m revisiting this blog again is not for the sole purpose of growing it… that’s what my other blog is for. But I just kinda wanted an outlet for my voice again.

And this would be the perfect spot to kind of… let my mind bubble and brew about everything that’s been going on.

 

I’ll see if I can kind of¬†fast forward¬†this blog a little bit.

Basically, I got a job and moved out… have been on my own for a few years now (TOTALLY LOVING IT) and have decided to pick back up hobbies that I seemed to drop over the years. The past 4 years have been full of just crazy stress, full time jobs, school, trials, tribulations and lizards (for some reason, lizards KEEP FOLLOWING ME! lol). I have done a LOT of growing, a LOT of self-examination and realizing that…¬†Life Is Hard.

It’s been a WHILE since I was able to just sit down and enjoy my thoughts. Man, I never realized how much I would miss this blog, until I’m so glad I never deleted it!

As I said earlier in this post, I had started a youtube channel and a blog, and the reason why I’m so glad I’m regurgitating this blog again is because I’ve been thinking…

 

THINKING BLIND!!!

 

About business… being self-employed… and if that’s something I¬†really feel like taking on at this moment.

I’ve been doing little art videos and budget setups on my youtube channel for about 7-8 months now, and my blog is still in pre-production phase and I have truly put a LOT into it. I’m seeing it grow, but… in a different type of way.

There are plenty of other youtubers out there who have started their channels and within a year have thousands of subscribers and views on their blog. It made me wonder why I wasn’t booming either, considering that I felt I had a pretty unique style and possibly content that people would enjoy.

But people DO enjoy my comment. I get some of the sweetest comments from viewers/subscribers about how much they love watching my videos, and they love my writing, etc and it just kinda forced me to wonder…¬†what really was the purpose of me starting this?

 

Obviously…¬†I WANT SOME MONEY.

 

But… and I was thinking about this yesterday… as in… why? I have come to realize that I have an permanently over-relaxed attitude when it comes to this entrepreneur thing. I guess I just don’t want to get wrapped up in this. In MY mind, being hired somewhere and having a set schedule to go and do work that you either hate or tolerate is just different from having to monetize something you love doing.

And I don’t know about anyone else, but whenever I have to start relying on something to bring money in for me…¬†It’s no longer fun.

And I guess that’s why I just hesitate SO MUCH with trying to jump off into the entrepreneurship pool. I just foresee myself growing to HATE creating art because I’ll constantly feel the need to create what OTHER people want me to create, having to muffle my voice on things because if people don’t like what I say, they won’t buy my product, and just… whatever the case may be, it’ll all boil down to me rolling over on my back so I can get that extra dollar to pay a bill.

And I just CAN’T do that.

 

You see all these wonderful articles across the innanetz about how and why you MUST become an entrepreneur but nobody ever talks about THIS part. So I am… Because it concerns me deeply.

It concerns my overall sanity. Would money be worth my sanity? My joy? My passion for art?

I’ve been doing my videos on youtube and I always say how much I just enjoy doing these videos, and I honestly do. But how much longer before the comments start rolling in about “can you do this?” “can you do that?” “when are you going to?” “why is this so?” blah blah blah.

I just wonder if I’m…¬†willing…¬†to constantly roll over for… customers?

It’s not that I have a problem with adjusting, being tactful, helping out, but for right now I do because I¬†wanna do it.¬†For me, there is a HUGE difference when it comes to¬†wanting to do something, and¬†having to do it and when you become an entrepreneur… you pretty much¬†have to bow down.

I say that to say… I don’t want to be in big business…. ūüėź

That’s going to be the dumbest thing I ever say in my whole entire life but you know what? Life is just so much more to me than raking in high stacks of cash! And it’s hard to believe because people make you feel like you need money to be happy.

And when I really thought about it… they are halfway right. Money¬†can buy you happiness… it can buy you that¬†feeling.

But money can’t¬†maintain¬†it. And it never will be able to.

Everything that money gives you… is short lived.

Clothes are short lived. Homes are short lived. Entertainment is short lived. Cars are short lived. Money can buy you all of those things, and give you the greatest rush of adrenaline in your LIFE… but in an instant, you can lose it.

Happiness just¬†can’t be bought.

No matter how you try to twist and turn it, you just CAN’T do it.

I’ve been thinking about it, and I feel the reason why money and happiness just don’t correlate is because… money is stagnant. Happiness is not.

With money, you pay for it, you get it, WEEEEEE!

But happiness is internal, and it’s always evolving. It’s… customized… if you think about it. And it’s constantly customizing itself. Happiness is like an outward expression of our DNA. It’s just not the same for everyone. Happiness is not a one-size fits all. You could say the same about money, but money requires you to achieve levels to benefit from it.

Happiness is free the day you arrive on earth.

And then on top of that, money makes you more self-conscious. Especially in today’s day and age… the more things money can buy you… it doesn’t create¬†happiness…¬†It creates…¬†delays. STRESS if you want to be direct.

And I just… I just don’t feel like I need to have a big business to be happy. What I need is to just be able to pay my bills, eat, and maybe hit up a few restaurants, oh and get a dog! Y’all, I’ve been wanting to get a dog SO BADLY!!!! But I’m trying to wait for better timing… ugh…, but it’s hard!

It’s like I want simplicity, and I want to be able to do things I love. And yes, the idea of turning my passion into my job seems like a WONDERFUL opportunity! And perhaps if I really pushed myself, I could make that a reality.

But the fear is that what if it DID become my reality? And soon I started to hate doing what I once loved? Is money that important that it makes me hate the WORLD?

No… it’s not that important to me.

 

Ahhhhhh, this was really nice! To be back on this blog again!

 

Am I back for good? I don’t know. But until next time, think blind people…

 

~thinkblind~

I Need to Get Smart About Life {Part 2}

I’ve been thinking alot about what I wanna do and it always includes traveling somewhere and being in good health. I’m starting to even wonder if it would just be better for me to have a simplistic lifestyle right now. Downgrade the phone, downgrade the needs, I mean personally, I don’t mind it. But where do I start?

I guess I should start with finding another or a better job, whichever comes first. And I really I REALLY have to get tighter about my spending habits. I mean I have to budget more efficiently, pretty much like I’ll never get another check ever in my life. lol

I wanna get my passport! I wanna get in shape! I wanna do a ton of things that are just not in my cards right now. Because of money and stressing over stuff I really don’t need. Like my phone? It’s really no need to have it and have to pay a bill for it every month since I don’t use it like that anyway. I just have it really, for the apps and taking pictures. A simple $15 phone can recieve calls!

I mean I can have the big grand items, I could splurge if I really wanted to. But my mind and heart is so set on experiencing the world beyond all the mess I see and endure everyday, I don’t want it. I don’t want new stuff, upgraded stuff, modern up-to-date, don’t care. Honestly.

I’m bought ready to have a sale or something but…lol really don’t have that much to sell. lol! I’m thinking about crocheting hats and scarves and selling them, I mean people see my homemade items all the time and just love them. I may start there. Heck, I may even wash cars to earn some quick bucks! I’ll still be looking for a job but until I can find one, still need to eat. Still need gas, still need all of that.

 

I’m wondering and thinking. Thinking hard…..what could I be doing?….Hmmmm….

 

~thinkblind~

I Need to Get Smart About Life {Part 1}

You know what I just realized this gloomy Saturday morning?

It’s sooo easy to remain in mess.

It’s so easy to just leave it there. To sit there dreaming about doing something different but then not doing it. It’s just easier to complain and it’s easier to see the changes everyone else, or even yourself, needs to make, but then never do anything to change it.

I’ve been trying to destress all morning going on a long drive singing to loads of songs that cheer me up and….it almost NEVER fails. Stress called me on my phone. lol I should literally go through all my contacts and retitle their names as “Stress. STRESS. And MORE STRESS.” lol It would be funny to have someone pick up my phone and be like “Hey girl, guess who’s calling you? Stress!” LMAO!

But anyways, I was just having an extreme visual of where I wanted my life to head and for the most part……great…and here comes the thunder. Just can’t stay positive about ANYTHING! lol

So let me try and make this…..oh never mind. I’ll be back.

 

~thinkblind~

Curse My Naive Nature!

I’m one of those people who could probably easily get scammed. BUT, luckily, since I never go all the way through with things I feel sketchy about, I’ve never been scammed out of money or any valuables.

But I need to get more cold and unforgiving towards people. These scammers are cruel forever tugging on the heart strings man! I remember one time, I almost got scammed because I needed a job. I NEEDED one, but the main thing that ticked me off is my having to pay, and having to mail in a payment at that, just to get a notification or something. Whatever they said.

I almost got scammed again, looking for another job.

Almost got scammed by a “friend”, but fortunately (or unfortunately….=/) it was a friend I hadn’t spoke to in forever so just SEEING a message from them in my email raised a red flag.

So you would think I’m pretty good at not buying into scams right?

Yeah. I should’ve never hopped my happy ascot onto craigslist.

Trying to sell this freakin 3DS and somebody bids. All throughout this exchange of “are you selling” “sure” I saw all the red flags but I just needed the money so badly, I guess I was excusing it because he sounded “legit”.

From hereon out,

Words are just WORDS until the actions make them TRUE.

He doesn’t really have any of my *true* information. The phone number was a backup phone I use. Really the only thing that I carry with me is my email and I’m getting ready to shut that one down. And though he does have an address (to mail me this fraudulent check) it’s technically not my “true” address. I mean it is but it isn’t…feel me?

I guess I was being subconsciously smart, even though I was overwhelmingly stupid. I mean it’s CRAIGSLIST how could I think ANYTHING good was gonna come out of this? Listening to that doggone guy at the pawn shop (I was originally going to pawn it) telling me he does pretty good with Craigslist all the time. I’m going BACK to that man and getting whatever he gives me. Haaaa.

I don’t get it why am I being so stupid now? I’m usually very uptight about my information, very secure on everything I do, I google people I feel skeptical about like I get PAID to do it. Why was I being so stupid now?¬†Incredibly stupid at that.

But I don’t know, I’ve been acting very irrational lately. I mean very. I don’t feel as calm and as peaceful as I used to. I feel stressed and bogged down and stuck everywhere I go. I’ve been noticing that I’ve been acting on “spur of the moments” and just acting without thinking I guess. And this was DEFINITELY a step without thinking.

Definitely.

Haa I feel like with all the baby steps I’ve taken to try and make some progress in my life, the wind has just knocked me back to the beginning. But things happen and people do stupid stuff at some point in their lives right? I’m admitting right now, I was beyond stupid. BEYOND IT. I mean really who DOES THAT!? I guess I just thought it would be like recieving a package, but it’s entirely different. I don’t know how to work Craigslist, that was my first “transaction”. But I promise you, I’ll never be back on again. smdh

 

~think….clear….please…~

I’m Ready For A Change

And I don’t know how it’s gonna happen but I do know one thing

I gotta take a step in SOME thing.

What with everything seeming to go down around me, I’m still trying to keep a little glimmer of light, just a little spec of hope. That something, anything will pull through. These days, I’m just…..decent. People ask me how I’m doing. My response.

I’m just doing.

Aren’t we all? But I don’t want to “just be doing” anymore. I want to be either happy, mad, joyful, upset, shocked, embarrassed I want to feel something. And these days I haven’t been feeling¬†anything. Nothing but¬†STRESS. I always knew that stress could make you feel depressed and down and angry. But who knew stress could wipe out your emotions completely… I just feel nothing.

I feel like I want to love, but when the opportunity to show that love presents itself, I freeze.

And I don’t want to be like that anymore.

I want to get out and do things. Experience life. Amazon sends me these incredible coupons all the time and I may start buying into them and checking some things out. I mean why not!? Okay maybe it’s not traveling overseas, or going to the theme parks but a 2 hour paint session is more thrilling than my life right now. Private horseback riding lessons? I’m game! They’ve even sent me coupons to take pole dancing classes and I’ve REALLY been wanting to try that! lol

I just wanna do something.

Back on my fitness grind again, and this time I may actually take it¬†seriously, not that I never did before, but this may actually be the time I stick to it. I’m making my goals public, I’m putting it out there like I’m gonna put it here.

My goal is to

Get to an 18-19% body fat by August 9, 2014!!!!!

That’s a good 5 months from now (I started on the 9 of March). I’ve never made specific goals before it was always “I wanna lose weight” or “I wanna be toned” and not actually know what were the specifics or the details.

It’s not even just about that, I want to start dressing up more, I want to get into life again. I just want to live through some experiences and stop¬†dreaming about them.

I just want to stop DREAMING.

And just DO IT.

 

~thinkblind~

We Need Sidewalk Polices!

Okay! I’ve had it with these doggone pedestrians!

They are some¬†TRIFLING¬†individuals, now I SEE why people don’t mind runnin some of ya’ll over!

My specific annoying little tick are the people who, obviously think sidewalks are for the….¬†weaker folk. The ones who wanna get bold enough to walk on the curb of the road or even rides bikes in the MIDDLE of the road when there is¬†CLEARLY a decent piece of sidewalk beside them!

UGH GAWD it makes me so ANGRY!!!

And then when you’re closing in on them they turn and look at you like “you won’t hit me”…

……

I almost hit a bike rider because he wanted to keep swerving in front of me and I’m trying to pass, here he goes swerving in front of me again, and he almost ALMOST got hit.

It would have been sweet, SWEET bliss but alas…

My freakin morals and good humanity kicked in and made me break but I was SOOOO gonna ram him over.

He eventually got on the sidewalk though. -____-”

I think that should be a law. If they are NOT crossing the street, pedestrians should HAVE to use a sidewalk if there is one nearby. If they are not, they should be ticketed. Point blank. If I have to be cautious about them crossing the street, they need to be cautious of me COMING. It’s only fair don’t you agree?

I mean what is so DEGRADING about using a sidewalk? Oh my gawd, I’m a¬†RULE FOLLOWER!!! Let me walk on the curb! Yeah, I’m hard!

-________________________-”

People are way too careless these days. I mean is it really gonna kill you to just use the pavement designed to SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!? Is it really?

Well I must say, if THAT is gonna kill you, you don’t wanna know what I’m thinkin about.

 

*scuurrrrrr*

lol I’m just kidding.

Seriously, can we have some sidewalk polices PLEASE!?

 

~thinkblind~

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