Man, I forgot how much I enjoyed writing to this blog!
I decided to try and re-create myself by means of creating an art-based youtube channel. Slowly after that, I thought it might be a good idea to create a corresponding blog (www.kraizycolorfulplans.com if you ever wanna check that out).
I was doing all of this for the sole purpose of trying to generate more income.
But then, I found myself looking through this Twilight Zone full of old blogs that I just stopped writing to years ago, and I came across iThinkBlind.
For the past couple of days, I’ve been re-reading my old posts and so many of them have made me laugh and have shocked me. I can’t believe I was writing this kind of content YEARS ago. And honestly… I still feel like it’s amazing!
I remember when I started this blog… I was just sooooooo nervous! As pretty much many of my posts will constantly remind you, I can be quite the nervous type when it comes to trying to reveal my inner INNER thoughts lol. And… it was just so much fun to go back and reread those inner thoughts as well.
I think the main reason I’m revisiting this blog again is not for the sole purpose of growing it… that’s what my other blog is for. But I just kinda wanted an outlet for my voice again.
And this would be the perfect spot to kind of… let my mind bubble and brew about everything that’s been going on.
I’ll see if I can kind of fast forward this blog a little bit.
Basically, I got a job and moved out… have been on my own for a few years now (TOTALLY LOVING IT) and have decided to pick back up hobbies that I seemed to drop over the years. The past 4 years have been full of just crazy stress, full time jobs, school, trials, tribulations and lizards (for some reason, lizards KEEP FOLLOWING ME! lol). I have done a LOT of growing, a LOT of self-examination and realizing that… Life Is Hard.
It’s been a WHILE since I was able to just sit down and enjoy my thoughts. Man, I never realized how much I would miss this blog, until I’m so glad I never deleted it!
As I said earlier in this post, I had started a youtube channel and a blog, and the reason why I’m so glad I’m regurgitating this blog again is because I’ve been thinking…
About business… being self-employed… and if that’s something I really feel like taking on at this moment.
I’ve been doing little art videos and budget setups on my youtube channel for about 7-8 months now, and my blog is still in pre-production phase and I have truly put a LOT into it. I’m seeing it grow, but… in a different type of way.
There are plenty of other youtubers out there who have started their channels and within a year have thousands of subscribers and views on their blog. It made me wonder why I wasn’t booming either, considering that I felt I had a pretty unique style and possibly content that people would enjoy.
But people DO enjoy my comment. I get some of the sweetest comments from viewers/subscribers about how much they love watching my videos, and they love my writing, etc and it just kinda forced me to wonder… what really was the purpose of me starting this?
Obviously… I WANT SOME MONEY.
But… and I was thinking about this yesterday… as in… why? I have come to realize that I have an permanently over-relaxed attitude when it comes to this entrepreneur thing. I guess I just don’t want to get wrapped up in this. In MY mind, being hired somewhere and having a set schedule to go and do work that you either hate or tolerate is just different from having to monetize something you love doing.
And I don’t know about anyone else, but whenever I have to start relying on something to bring money in for me… It’s no longer fun.
And I guess that’s why I just hesitate SO MUCH with trying to jump off into the entrepreneurship pool. I just foresee myself growing to HATE creating art because I’ll constantly feel the need to create what OTHER people want me to create, having to muffle my voice on things because if people don’t like what I say, they won’t buy my product, and just… whatever the case may be, it’ll all boil down to me rolling over on my back so I can get that extra dollar to pay a bill.
And I just CAN’T do that.
You see all these wonderful articles across the innanetz about how and why you MUST become an entrepreneur but nobody ever talks about THIS part. So I am… Because it concerns me deeply.
It concerns my overall sanity. Would money be worth my sanity? My joy? My passion for art?
I’ve been doing my videos on youtube and I always say how much I just enjoy doing these videos, and I honestly do. But how much longer before the comments start rolling in about “can you do this?” “can you do that?” “when are you going to?” “why is this so?” blah blah blah.
I just wonder if I’m… willing… to constantly roll over for… customers?
It’s not that I have a problem with adjusting, being tactful, helping out, but for right now I do because I wanna do it. For me, there is a HUGE difference when it comes to wanting to do something, and having to do it and when you become an entrepreneur… you pretty much have to bow down.
I say that to say… I don’t want to be in big business…. 😐
That’s going to be the dumbest thing I ever say in my whole entire life but you know what? Life is just so much more to me than raking in high stacks of cash! And it’s hard to believe because people make you feel like you need money to be happy.
And when I really thought about it… they are halfway right. Money can buy you happiness… it can buy you that feeling.
But money can’t maintain it. And it never will be able to.
Everything that money gives you… is short lived.
Clothes are short lived. Homes are short lived. Entertainment is short lived. Cars are short lived. Money can buy you all of those things, and give you the greatest rush of adrenaline in your LIFE… but in an instant, you can lose it.
Happiness just can’t be bought.
No matter how you try to twist and turn it, you just CAN’T do it.
I’ve been thinking about it, and I feel the reason why money and happiness just don’t correlate is because… money is stagnant. Happiness is not.
With money, you pay for it, you get it, WEEEEEE!
But happiness is internal, and it’s always evolving. It’s… customized… if you think about it. And it’s constantly customizing itself. Happiness is like an outward expression of our DNA. It’s just not the same for everyone. Happiness is not a one-size fits all. You could say the same about money, but money requires you to achieve levels to benefit from it.
Happiness is free the day you arrive on earth.
And then on top of that, money makes you more self-conscious. Especially in today’s day and age… the more things money can buy you… it doesn’t create happiness… It creates… delays. STRESS if you want to be direct.
And I just… I just don’t feel like I need to have a big business to be happy. What I need is to just be able to pay my bills, eat, and maybe hit up a few restaurants, oh and get a dog! Y’all, I’ve been wanting to get a dog SO BADLY!!!! But I’m trying to wait for better timing… ugh…, but it’s hard!
It’s like I want simplicity, and I want to be able to do things I love. And yes, the idea of turning my passion into my job seems like a WONDERFUL opportunity! And perhaps if I really pushed myself, I could make that a reality.
But the fear is that what if it DID become my reality? And soon I started to hate doing what I once loved? Is money that important that it makes me hate the WORLD?
No… it’s not that important to me.
Ahhhhhh, this was really nice! To be back on this blog again!
Am I back for good? I don’t know. But until next time, think blind people…