Where do you start when trying to mend relationships?
I know I must give people the wrong vibes on many different occasions, some people may feel I have a hostile personality when it’s not me being hostile, it’s me being nervous. And what’s worse is when people take it upon themselves to tell you that you are being ungrateful when the problem is not knowing how to hold my hand out with a gift myself. “Thank You’s” are all I have ever needed to tell people, and along with a gracious smile, it seemed to be all that people really needed back then.
But these days it seems like people want MORE from me, they want more graciousness, more pleasant smiles, more something. Maybe they need more of “I need to know that you care” type of gestures. But if I start doing them out of the blue, all I’ll get is questioned about why I’m being so different.
How do I know this?
And then to have this specific face for so long, it makes it difficult to change on the outside. Over the past couple of years I have done a LOT of mental changes along with some physical molding as well. But my trouble is showing these mental and emotional changes on the outside. I know what I want to do, how I want to help, how I want to show people that I care and jump atop of a lunch table and dance to some old school tunes or something (okay maybe not that last part), but people always expect me to be a certain way, it makes it tough to show people what I’ve truly become inside. I guess I always feel that “being who I am” won’t be good enough. At least for the people in my life. And these aren’t people that I can necessarily just kick to the curb, they will always be attached in my life…in some kind of way.
I wasn’t exactly the quiet girl that got ignored, though nowadays I wish I was. People always paid attention to me. I always got questioned about what was on my mind, why was I so shy and when would I break out of my shell. People always came to me with an idea of what I might do, how I might act, what I might say, my shyness apparently was never left alone. Even when I thought I was out of the spotlight, someone would come to me and let me know exactly why I stay paranoid about people watching me. I’m a fairly tall person, so it’s not like I can just “sneak” out of the spotlight, and these days, I’m okay with that. But back in the day, it was the most annoying thing ever. Somehow, everyone knew who I was even if I never met them in my life. I was just that awkward girl who smiled at everyone as I passed them by. You might’ve gotten a soft “hi” out of me…but that was usually it.
But these days, I have so many things I want to do, experience, and live through. Most of these things involve a little adrenaline (for instance, I really want to go to this indoor skydiving facility, and try this trapeze thing too lol). Other things, are a little more out there (like possibly trying a pole dancing class? lol FOR FITNESS!!). People that I’m around all the time know me to be the goody-goody, never do anything wrong type of person like date. I’ve never dated in my life, so it will explain why I can be very awkward around the opposite sex. Like now, someone who I kinda wouldn’t expect to be into me…IS. He’s like (well he seems like) a real motivated, constant go-getter, super determined, gotta have the best type of guy. He’s outgoing and smart and charming and I feel special and awkward at the same time, since I’m rather reserved about my life and a constant struggle under construction. I don’t…see…I don’t get it, but anyways. I guess this is just me trying to get it out there for the umpteenth time! I need people who will listen, and understand, and not try to suggest what my life will be. I normally like to plan a lot of things, but it’s usually for a day in advance (lol). But you know what? Perhaps my downfall isn’t lack of planning for the future, my downfall is just not putting it out there. It’s about time, idn’t it!?
~ thinkblind ~