I hate getting crushes on guys.
Because it makes me forget for a moment of who I really am, and somehow makes me mold myself into what I think he would like while subconsciously reassuring myself “no, this is what I really want to do“. I hate losing myself over a crush that never becomes more than that. A crush that I’m not even sure I WANT to become more than what it already is. And then when all the googly woogly happy dance feelings start subsiding and you realize it’s not everything you were making it out to be…or worse, he’s moving on from you…now you’re back at square one wondering where you last lost yourself and how do you start finding it again.
I’m at that stupid rock and hard place now.
Good thing I can still breathe.
And what’s slightly irritating is I have no real proof that he’s uninterested. We just haven’t seen each other in a minute, really HE hasn’t seen ME and I know it’s bad for me to judge “oh man he’s over me” just from that but I guess that’s my subconscious way to stop myself from really going under and technically cushioning the fall. I did that once, fell with no parachute or kneepads whatsoever and ended up scarring some figurative bones and leaving terrible scars on my heart and mind. Many times, I’m glad I have such a reserved personality that I won’t actually go and chase after anyone or take things any further than a daydream, but it was something different about this time. Something different about everything, it just seemed possible. I dunno, maybe I just wanted to take a risk, a slight risk. And encourage the racing adrenaline he gave me every time we locked eyes. It still makes my adrenaline rush.
I won’t make this long and lovey dovey because quite frankly, I’m getting sick of thinking over the situations constantly. But just know this…
As of now,
I hate love.
~ thinkblind ~