Divide and…Run??

Normally, I don’t really put out there what’s really got my brain in a tug-of-war, but since I’ve already informed you all of Anonyman…I guess it’s probably appropriate.

He’s gone on some type of trip that the school pays for and won’t be back to til like Friday I guess, so I’ve had some time to settle down from all the incredible hulk-like butterflies racing around my heart and brain to really think about where this whole situation is headed.

You can probably tell I really do overthink everything. But I’m only doing it because I care.

What happened this…week is I guess one of his buddies or something who didn’t go on the trip, has been…awkwardly strange around me. He’ll just pop up out of nowhere and watch me and aside from that throwing me off (and making me feel the least bit self-conscious) it really allows me to see that he’s talking to alot of people about me. I mean, this guy isn’t the first guy that has been showing me these “I know something” approaches, but his approaches are really throwing me off.

But it’s not that that’s got me kinda down, it’s the fact that he IS talking about me. And I guess in a way, I am too but, I mean when it really gets down to it, I honestly shouldn’t be wanting him to pursue me anyway. It’s one of those I-know-we-ain’t-gonna-make-it-even-an-inch type of things. We have different religious backgrounds and you know what the Bible says. Don’t become unevenly yoked, yes I get it.

This is one of the moments where sometimes, I kinda wish religion didn’t matter that much when it comes to matters of the heart.

But it does. And I love God, and I know he does too, but he don’t know that I know this thing ain’t gonna work. I’m not sure what he feels on that, and eventually (well…soon) I’m gonna talk to him about it and try to be as upfront and polite as possible. I would love to fantasize that this will work out and that love will conquer all all I have to do is believe but…ya’ll, I’m a little more grounded than that. And honestly, if you’re not on one accord with God…really, how can you be on one accord with each other?

That’s not love that’s…….tolerance.

And I don’t want to tolerate it. I want to LOVE him, but just telling my folks about it will make them jump overboard and really try to convince me to let him go and break up with him and a whole bunch of other stuff that I’m truly not ready for. And just knowing that he’s putting everything out there and telling people about me makes me feel even more sad because I’m not doing the same about him though I’d really REALLY like to but I know that everyone will not approve of it. It’s not being embarrassed, I promise. I’m proud of the type of guy he is and I hope that one day I wil find someone who is like-minded who is exactly like him, I like this guy THAT much. But if anything can divide a relationship, it’s your spiritual matters. I do know that much, I’ve seen it happen.

I care way too much about dude to put his heart through that, honestly I don’t even know how important this is to him. I don’t know what he’s willing to overlook but there’s alot of things about me that will probably make him squirm in his seat…like me waiting til marriage? Does that bother you? lol This guy is gonna be runnin faster than the RoadRunner when I get done talking to him. lol! Yeah… I feel bad for tying up his emotions but I really should cut this before they get even more tangled.

I guess I just really liked the attention he was giving me. All the shiny eyes and big smiles and hugs and….peace signs. lol! I don’t know, I don’t really get that kind of attention on a constant basis. So, undoubtedly it makes me feel amazing and I appreciate it. I just really need him to understand that this isn’t about him…this has all to do about me…caring about…him. Haaa…frowny face. 😦

What do I do?

I guess I know what I should do…

I just don’t wanna. How do you talk yourself in and out of love? I must be an alien.

~ thinkblind ~


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