Matters of that Trifling Heart…

I’m so stressed over all this drama and he ain’t even my boyfriend! Is that a prediction for something to follow? It’s just alot of things making me worried and here I am, at the place where it all began…worrying. Can’t wait til today is over, just don’t feel like even coming to school anymore. Cause all I’m gonna do is sit here and daydream and fantasize about trying to make even the worstest scenario have a beautiful outcome. But reality doesn’t do us that way. No, reality is the freakin TATTLETALE that tells your mother EVERYTHING you did! Haaa, I hate tattletales….

School just started, I just got here, and after dealing with ol’ disobedient Nelly (my hair) again, I’m here and can’t think of doing much else besides listen to Haley Reinhart and sulk. I can’t wait til this is all over with and these doggone butterflies can go away! But…what’s really getting to me is that he will move on from me.

Gosh for ONCE in my life I just want somebody to MISS ME. Is that so wrong!? Buuuuut, that’s why I’m going to talk to him about this (and hopefully NOT chicken out) so that he won’t feel the urge to miss me because really…what would there be to miss? I was just the quiet girl that you found a little attractive, it’s easy to forget folks like that.

I still want to talk to him, I still want to be friends. Here go my ol’ clingy heart. Gawd, I hate organs….lol Anatomy and musical ones! lol! I don’t know, maybe this whole thing wouldn’t work…I mean I KNOW it won’t work but like on a different level ‘not-work’. I mean maybe we’re just too different. I’ve come pretty far now, can’t let a little romance set me back.

I think if his intentions weren’t so…genuine this would be a lot easier to pursue. But it’s his genuine attitude that’s keeping me attracted! This whole thing is a freakin lose-LOSE. If we do run into each other today and I have to start telling him WHY this can’t keep on, I really hope I don’t start tearing up. That’s gonna be awkward for both of us. But hey man, that’s my sensitivity okay! I hope he realizes that this was a tough choice for me to make and that means that you had someone that truly cares about your doggone welfare! You had someone who is willing to set herself up for a whole lot of doggone hurt just so you could come out of this scar-free and so that I wouldn’t ruin your views on a relationship with a different girl who may be something like me that may entangle your heart the way I did. Someone who, for SOME DOGGONE REASON (and I still can’t understand why) loves you SOOOOOO much I don’t want to ruin love for you.

You better appreciate that, freakin leprachaun.

I hate this, man. I get soooo attached to people, and for some reason especially the ones I don’t really know, and care about them so deeply and what will make them happy I just set myself up for disaster in the dark. I think I understand alot more why I like to be alone and detach from people. For me, it’s just alot easier that way. It’s easy to NOT think about how what I say will hurt you, how what I choose will affect you, how what I feel will motivate (or demotivate) you. Icare, dangit! And alot of times, it’s alot easier to not care. Cause when you get me to care about you…I could worry all day and night about you.

And that’s why I just DIDN’T want this guy to keep falling in my lap and giving me those giggety butterflies, I just wanted to move on and keep on going. I’ve been unsure about this thing the whole time and now that the decision is beginning to rear it’s ugly head, as always, I’m the one getting slapped in the face! I mean, I’m just sitting here over-analyzing and making everything a broadway drama when all of this couldn’t even be that serious to him. You know what he might even say?

“Alright, that’s cool, I understand.”

GAWD don’t say that! Because it’s not COOL homie I REALLY liked you. Could you show a little sign in your expression that you’ll kinda miss me? That for a couple seconds out of your day you’ll think about what it would’ve been like to be with me? To kiss me? To hold me?

I think that’s what’s killing me the most. That he’ll truly move on, and it’s selfish of me to say but I don’t want him to. At least not right now. Could you move on when I move on please? Show a little consideration please, cause I could’ve just strung you right along.

But he ain’t a guy that deserves that….Actually, let me put that differently. I don’t feel ANYONE deserves that. I wish I never would’ve met you.

Jerk.

 

~ thinkblind ~

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