How is it that you can’t be attracted to a great guy when he’s right in front of you? Huh?
New Dude is definitely my speed. We’re alike on so many levels and share a few interests and we always have a pretty good time when we’re together. But, I dunno, lately I’ve noticed in myself that he’s not on my mind like Anonyman used to be (and honestly…still is). Don’t get me wrong, I like New Dude and he possesses many qualities I’m interested in. I KNOW he’s a good guy, but I just…ah, I just can’t seem to get those race of butterflies like I get around Anonyman or just other crushes that I’ve had before.
In all honestness, New Dude has to be one of the main guys whose been clearest about his feelings for me. I’ve never moved past giving my number to someone, not even people that I call close friends. lol So I gotta admit, New Dude broke some barriers just like Anonyman did. But, man, it’s just every time that I think about New Dude it’s in a brotherly way, not like super fantasmal or something. I don’t think about what it’d be like to kiss him or have him hold me or…you know, that mushy gushy junk. I just…I don’t know. I don’t know and I feel kinda weird that I don’t have these feelings about him.
I think I just like him because he likes me.
Ain’t that some bushwackle…
I won’t really get to see him again until Monday when I go back to school, so I’m thinking I should just go ahead and be upfront about it and let him know that I’m not sure if I’m really feeling him like that. I think this has alot to do with him shooting in right after Anonyman and I’ll admit I still wasn’t completely settled off of Anonyman. I was mad as a summer’s day in Florida, yeah, but in a way I was still kind of obsessing over him and probably still is because I’m constantly wondering why he was trying to play me? Why’d he choose me? Was he really playing me? Maybe I should hear his side? You know, things of that nature, so even though my anger for him was still on the forefront, my uncontrollable feelings were still hanging about in the backstage area.
And so when New Dude showed up, I wasn’t completely clear and focused and I guess the attention I wasn’t really getting from Anonyman started coming through New Dude and…maybe I was using the reality of New Dude and twisting it into my own twisted vision that Anonyman could be saying those things to me. Maybe it’s me. Well, duh it is. But I dunno, maybe subconsciously I’m just not ready for a real relationship…with either one of them. And I guess Anonyman still seems so attractive to me because maybe subconsciously, I know he’s probably emotionally unavailable and in a way…I might be too. Maybe we have alot more in common than I thought. I read somewhere that what you’re attracted to is what you are. But I don’t know how clear that is cause I’ve been pursued by both types, all types, New Dude is just the one that came the closest.
I hate love ya’ll, I wasn’t kidding when I said that before.
But this is what I use this blog for…to think this stupid crap through!
But I would just really hate to say anything to New Dude and regret it, but how can I regret being uninterested? I think my conscious is playing mind games with me, I really don’t believe these feelings are coming from my heart. Everybody deserves love. New Dude, Anonyman, and Me. And right now, I don’t think either one of them are right on my track…
Haaa, I just hope New Dude will understand.
Gawd how come in everyone of these episodes I have to end up talking to someone!!!?
Can’t STAND love man!
~ thinkblind ~