I have been getting closer to Anonyman but this time I’se swears I’m THROUGH.
First of all, I think he was losing interest in me anyways, but he wasn’t exactly clear about it. I did initiaite a couple of text convos but even with doing that he was always inviting me to attend some type of business meeting. So I went to it laaaast…wednesday? Yeah, it was totally business, like attire, sitting down taking notes type of…yeah. lol How about I hadn’t even SEEN him? I think that was a blessing from God that I didn’t see him, cause lately I just…I don’t feel like that’s the road I need to be going down.
I like to stay true to myself and NOT have my conscience chasing me around with a steel bat, ya know? So I try to keep my mind fairly clean about situations. And with Anonyman first I find out, that girl I sometimes saw him with was his girlfriend. But, for some reason, that wasn’t enough to keep me from at least trying to be friends with him. I don’t know WHY that wasn’t enough but I guess I was justifying it to myself as “well, I just wanna be friends that’s all“, oh man was THAT a lie.
I’ve finally had to come to terms with myself and admit that I will never be able to be just friends with him because I like him too much. And honestly, I feel like he may have been trying to tell me to back off, maybe he’s now realizing “yeah I have a girlfriend and you just need to go away now“. I can’t even begin to explain to ya’ll how angry that has made me.
Why I am angry with him. Because he knowingly dragged my heart into this, lead me on. I know for a fact it wasn’t just because he’s a natural flirt, this dude seriously singled me out. I’m a very quiet person, there’s no way we would have ever crossed paths with each other if it wasn’t for him always trying to get my attention. I’m upset that he got me so attached and I’m even more angry that after I find out about her, he switches on me and becomes the “angel” in the situation and wants to keep me at bay now.
Why I’m pissed with myself. Because I should have never ever let myself get so attached to him before finding out more about him. I should have kept myself guarded like I did in the beginning, never should have fell for that charm or that persistent nature of his. And I never, EVER should have initiated contact…I should have just let it wither away…like I am now.
I’m also pissed with myself for even enticing a man with a girlfriend. That thought makes me siiiiick. Like really? How could I? But I’m so glad I never pursued anything other than a hug with him, cause every time I think about him…I think about her. And how she feels on the other side of this. How she feels about me hanging onto her man and texting him all day, I feel so incredibly guilty about that ya’ll don’t understand. I feel like I’ve kinda helped him cheat though we have done absolutely NOTHING. In my heart, I knew I had to cut him off. Regardless of how he felt or if he was losing interest or was it just I don’t know but the bottom line is, I knew how I felt, and what I wanted and how I wanted him to talk to me, hold me, smile at me. I knew what I wanted, and I knew that in the end, it was gonna cause us both nothing but a bunch of dramatic, soap opera, cry me a river kinda pain.
It takes me back to youtuber’s video I once saw like last year or something, and she was talking about a subbie’s experience or whatever and trying to give her some advice. She was seeing a man who was with someone and had kids or something like that. But what she said was “God will never give you someone else’s man“. Makes a lot of sense don’t it?
I know for a fact I was NEVER gonna marry Anonyman, but I guess I just wanted the experience…But, I don’t know. I’ve come this far without screwing up, I think I can wait a bit longer you feel me? It was just her face lingering in the back of my mind that kept me from really opening up to Anonyman. If anything, I know it was myself who pushed Anonyman away, but that’s because I just didn’t trust him. As open as he was to me, I just didn’t like that lingering feeling in the back of my mind. I don’t know, that business meeting was wednesday, it’s friday…saturday now. lol Still haven’t heard from him and I really don’t expect to either. I know I made him mad all day wednesday cause I kept wanting to cancel, then I was late….then I left early. It was just some mess ya’ll, some serious mess. I left early for 1) Do not like taking the buses at night. And 2) what if I had seen him? What would’ve happened? I can tell you right now, nothing that I need on my conscience.
I have to admit this, cause this will help me get over him. I really, and I mean I REALLY LIKED Anonyman. And I’m sad that he was trying to use me. I’m even more sad that I’m not everything like I used to fantasize I was to him. And I’m pissed that he knowingly did this to me.
But I’m okay because….there will be someone else. I’m sure there will be someone else out there who will definitely appreciate me fighting all these doggone sharks to keep myself alive and well. I want to be the person that thrives off of compromising relationship. A give and take. Not a relationship that requires me wondering at all hours of the day where he is and how he feels and should I play this card or this card. I don’t want to play games anymore. I kinda liked it at the beginning but now I realize…it’s not what I want. I don’t want a man that makes me guess. I feel I’d have an honest relationship, I’d bring honesty at the least.
I think Anonyman probably wanted me to fight with his girlfriend over him. He probably liked the idea of two women scurrying to the floor over him, brawling it out and the strongest woman would win him. Sounds like a pretty awesome fantasy, I’ll give him that. But why would you want that to happen in reality? That’s another reason why I broke it off with New Dude (ya’ll remember New Dude) because I didn’t want him to get jealous, and Anonyman can be a jealous type too and the last thing I want is two guys fighting over me. It’s embarrassing, it’s awkward, and it’s obnoxious for the person being fought over to let it happen. Man, here I am trying to be fair to both parties and my heart STILL gets smushed and crippled.
Makes you want to not believe in the butterflies and dramatic Disney music but I’ll have mine someday. May not be a totally perfect prince….to everyone else. But he will be to me…I’ll promise you that. 😉
~ thinkblind ~