Someday, I won’t feel like a big burden to all the people in my life.
I won’t feel sorry for myself for always having to rely, and rely, and ask for, and rely. I’ll feel better about myself, feel more independent, feel more free, feel more like an individual.
One day, I won’t have to flood my brain with all these mental tears about how I’m not where I want to be and not have to overwhelm my thought process with thinking about how long it’ll take.
I’ll be there. I will have done it, and will be doing some more things.
But these days, I just feel like it’s not enough and I’m not getting nowhere. Seems like I’ve been fighting harder this year than any other year in my life and still I feel like my efforts are getting more pointless and more futile the harder I push. Like I’m pushing a huge block of air or something.
I don’t want to do anything. It’s 11 o’clock at night right now as I type and I garuntee I won’t be officially asleep until 3-something in the morning. I will have filled my eyes of re-runs of Guys’ Diners, Drive Ins and Dives and Chopped on Food Network, spent 2 hours trying to blast out the small noise of my small sniffling over absolutely nothing.
WHAT am I crying for? Why am I so sad?
It seems like this all has just fallen on me out of nowhere. I have no desire for anything. All I want to do is work, work, work, and I just do want to do that. Go to the same place everyday pasting on the same fake smile for the same fake people, acting like I’m happy with what I do when we all know it’s a lie.
I just want the paycheck.
I just want the money.
Because the MONEY.
Will get me the CAR.
That will get me the INDEPENDENCE.
I keep saying that all I want to do is leave. Get a car and drive somewhere very far away when I utterly believe that’s a lie. You know what I want? You know what I REALLY want?
I want to get in my car and drive far, far away and look in my rearview mirror and see someone behind me trying to stop me from leaving.
Coming to me to tell me that they care and that they love me, and be totally judgement-free about it. No guards, no electric fences, tazers, bodyguards. Just an all-real feeling of love and care. I want someone to come after me because they like me for ME. Not for who I could be. Not for the things I should say, but for the things I say. Not because I shed tears, but because I’m human enough to do it.
But at this point, I’m not even sure I could recognize that love. I’m so very sunk into the fact that I’m sinking. I’m sinking so deep down in life and I garuntee I know what many people will tell me. “You need God in your life again” “you need to think positive” “do something that will make you feel better”. All such good advice, all such easy things to say. But so hard to do. I don’t even know where this came from. I normally try to keep this blog on an upbeat, maybe not “upbeat” but a rather positive and hopeful tone is how I try to keep this blog but I made this blog to monitor my emotions and my feelings. So F the public for once, this is how I feel goddangit!
Haaa, people seem to be okay with my fake, usual “I’m Okay”. I don’t think they care much beyond that point…and honestly.
Neither do I.