I’ve been away for awhile simply because I haven’t been wanting to speak what’s on my mind. I haven’t been wanting to reveal anything about me, I’ve been falling back into a depression, feeling like giving up constantly and constantly, like nobody is there. And the people that “want” to be there aren’t exactly the people I’m “looking” for. I guess you know how that can be.
The people you want to care don’t give two buckets of air of whether you roll over in the morning, but the people you don’t think much about are the ones who seem to have your best interest at heart? And so you start dwelling on why you don’t get affection from the people you want to get affection from and wish the people who give you affection would just shut the heck up and make like an egg and beat it?
Yeeeeeaaaah, that’s been pretty much my story since…..my last post. lol!
I’m still kinda under it lately. I’ve taken on a second job in the hopes of getting a car by the end of the year. Working hard to pursue some goals, at least SOME. In that, met another guy at work who I took a quick liking to and just as quickly am falling out of that situation. JUST like Anonyman, this dude has a girlfriend “I guess”. I kinda heard a conversation about it that he was in a long distance relationship. Not really sure as I didn’t hear everything (music was blasting in my ear lol) but I think I’ve experienced enough with Anonyman to know I don’t want to fall into this quicksand again. I’m trying hard to not let my heart get attached anymore, kinda hard when I work with him every single day so I can’t help but see him. But good thing I didn’t get as sucked into him as I did with Anonyman but still….why do I seem to attract the guys that have girlfriends? It’s teaching me a definite lesson though. Do NOT get attached to people before you know anything about them. I’m getting better at it but still, my heart strings get tugged a little.
Haaa, it does depress me just a tad. Well, maybe I should say it ADDS to the depression. But I don’t want to be bitter about love. I don’t want to give people the right to make me bitter about life. I don’t want to give people the permission to make me revolve around their lives. I don’t want people to think that they have me right under their fingertips. So this will be another situation where I need to forgive it and move on. I mean what else could I do? People are going to be who they are no matter what and you can’t really penalyze people for being just that. Even if it does mean being the scum of the earth, they do it with honor. I can’t fight what I can’t control and I can’t get mad at what I honestly never had to begin with. I don’t want to start letting these things build up and take control of me. I must’ve seriously been living under a rock because I never knew how many people would try to take control over your emotions and use it to their advantage.
It makes me scared about getting to know anyone else. It honestly kinda frightens me to ever put my heart into someone else’s hands no matter who it is. I’m scared. I’m scared of opening up. That’s probably why I stayed away from this blog for so long. Numerous times I seriously thought about just deleting it. I felt like I had too many subscribers. Too many people who wanted to hear me speak, too many ears that wanted to listen…or that would listen. And I guess that frightened me too. I have a problem with letting people get near to me which is probably why I just never say much of anything and if I do, it’s rarely anything that I’m REALLY thinking. But I decided I wouldn’t. I would just break from the blogging chizz and come back when I started feeling more comfortable again and…well, here I am. So hello to everyone whose still here reading. =/
Haa, I don’t know I just haven’t been giving an ant’s tiny little ass about life lately. I’ve been thinking about giving my bucket list ideas a shot. Maybe I’ll actually go and try that indoor skydiving facility out. Maybe I’ll travel. Maybe I’ll spend a weekend at a beach. Maybe I’ll attend a Bruno Mars concert. Maybe I’ll take a pole dancing class. Maybe I’ll try scuba diving.
I don’t know…..maybe. =/