I Wonder Alot About Love

I guess because I don’t know anything about it. LOL!

I wonder if I’ll ever get it right, if I’ll ever find the right man, if I’ll ever get these huge butterflies for someone and be able to keep those same big butterflies for him til the day that we part in death. I do wonder.

Because lately, I’m kinda losing hope in EVER finding someone. Well, someone that I can last fifty years or more with.

Because the initial meeting is always great. All the staring and the shiny eyes, and the flirtatious things and all that charming and all that “ohhh I just feel so GOOD whenever I’m with him” kinda thing. But then after some months or whatever, all of that starts fading away and then you’re left staring at each other’s naked personality and you start to not want to deal with it anymore. Because now you’re bored and you want a “new challenge”.

And I just hate that. I hate that people, including I, are like that. That once we get something, we get bored and want to move on from it. And I promise you, that’s the one thing that absolutely TERRIFIES me about falling in love with someone. That they’ll get bored with me….or I’ll get bored with them. And suddenly, we’re forcing the next twenty or fourty or even fifty years and it will suddenly end in divorce. Or threats of it.

And I don’t want that. I just DON’T want to get trapped in a loveless marriage, I just DON’T.

Really, a loveless relationship. I don’t. I can’t think about giving all my years to someone and for them to suddenly threaten me that they’ll leave me. Or to think that they might cheat on me. I mean it don’t hurt to look, but it would hurt to know that they are letting those feelings for someone else fester and boil….when they could be boiling for me.

It makes me feel pressured that if I ever get into relationship, that I’ll have to keep being adventurous or entertaining for them, like I’m gonna be an actress in my own relationship. It makes me wonder if people ever really love you for you…cause now it seems like being YOU isn’t good enough for anyone these days.

We all get sick and tired of each other, we get sick of enduring with each other’s battles, each others faults, each others…..everything. And suddenly, we get sick of each other. And then….poof. It’s gone. The last twenty or fifty years are…gone. Then you’re left with years and years of emotional baggage that will probably take forever to get it right just to…what? Do it all over again with someone else? But at the end of this road, at least we both die. lol All though we’ve come! To the eeeennnndd ooooffff the roooaaad! Still I caaaan’t leeeet you go! It’s unnatural! I belong to you! You belong to meeee!!! (exit Boys 2 Men)

I’m just being honest though. I’m just starting to realize how guys are with me and how I am with them. I get over guys really fast and that’s what scares me. I mean, while dating and sifting through the conceited arseholes, yeah it’s a helpful tool. But what happens when you meet that guy that’s just MADE for you. And then he makes you mad. And he leaves you….

And you don’t care….

I don’t want to be the one that years down the road I realize I DO care. I want to know now, but it’s so hard when all I’m getting are JERKS. Like this other guy at my new job, he’s been flirtatious but I just found out HE has a girlfriend. Getting over that one too. It’s amazing how I haven’t let these guys demoralize me and my body yet. But like I said, I detach from guys pretty easily. About as fast as I get attached to them honestly.

It’s a good tool now, but will it be later on?

I just wonder sometimes….I really do. I really do wonder about love….





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