I was talking with a co-worker today and he was asking me if I liked tattoos. Personally I don’t. It looks cool at first, but keep living life for another twenty or so years and you may start to wish you had the ability to just rip it off! I don’t like permanent defilement of the body, that’s just not me. I mean, imagine you being fifty and sixty years old and everyday you’re reminded of the one thing you can never take away. I’m not saying EVERYONE feels that way, but I know that *I* would feel this way and this is what I’m starting to hear a lot of older people tell me that got tattoos when they were younger.
Why not just get the stick-ons? 😛 lol
But anyways, it made me think about some other things as I kept on with my work. I think I’ve got a bit of commitment issues and I never thought much about it before, but I think it’s starting to make a bit of sense. I don’t want to permanently color my hair because I’m afraid I’ll miss my hair color and have to re-grow it out for the next few years (lawd knows I don’t wanna be doing THAT! lol), I was afraid to get a really expensive car because of the commitment to paving my way out of four years of bills, I have a problem with permanent tattoos, I don’t want to be committed to raising children, I don’t want to be committed to one job for the rest of my life, herelately I’ve even been saying that I don’t even want to get married.
Honestly, the frank realization really started to scare me.
Maybe it’s ME. Maybe this is why I can’t quite find a good guy? Maybe I’ve come across a good guy but just couldn’t recognize him because I was too busy studying his defects so that I could classify him as a REJECT.
Maybe I have the heart of a drifter.
I don’t know how to fix this, I’ve always had this dream to be free. I never really was the little girl to dream of princes and big weddings. I mean when I saw it on the TV and all the Disney Movies, yeah it seemed cool to have. But other than that, I liked playing with Hot Wheels and lining them up beside my bed like some little car dealership. And my sister would tell me that I mutilated all my Barbie dolls. She said she would come in my room and it looked like straight up homicide! lol I was always the tomboy-ish type, catching frogs and lizards with my cousin and throwing them at my sister, climbing trees, I always loved to look in the sky. I loved clouds as a kid. I just always had this mind to “Be Free and Stay Free”. And I guess with that “free spirited” mentality came the commitment phobe in me.
I don’t know if I want to give it up.
I don’t know if I’ll be ABLE to give it up. I’m just starting to notice it’s so easy for me to feel trapped with any and everything I do. I’m not saying it’s horrible to be this way, but for someone that’s wanting to feel loved and cherished and needed………maybe I’m the one shutting it out…..?
Just something to think about…..