Since my post the other day about commitment issues and my goodness I do NOT feel like fighting with this computer today! -___-” But anyways, I’ve been thinking a lot about my commitment issues and what I could start doing now to change that. But I think I’ve come to the realization that I might want to stay the way I am for just a bit longer because I’m beginning to understand that I don’t really have a problem with being “grounded”….
It’s more of what I’m grounded to…
And I don’t want to be grounded to the wrong thing. I guess that’s my personal internal conflict. I guess cause I’m always being disappointed and let down by others, the very thought of committing to their disappointing ways is what frightens me more than just committing to them. Feel me? I dunno, maybe it’s still not good to be the phobic of commitment whatever but…..like I say and will always say, everybody is everyway for some reason.
In terms of love, I try to tell myself that it’s not about finding the perfect person (it’s about seeing that imperfect person perfectly yada yada yada) it’s more about what you’re willing to compromise with. What you’re willing to look over and accept that they’ll probably be that way for the rest of their lives. That’s what love is starting to teach me now.
It really IS seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
And to add to that, I never really had to deal with the problem of being “attached”. Even as a kid, I didn’t have a circle of friends, you were lucky to find me playing with even one other person. I was always the “weird” one, that “mysterious kid”, that “quiet girl that you have to watch out for”. And after all these years I still have not given people any reason to think that I will snap over them. I have not snapped yet and don’t plan on any time soon.
Cause you will be cut out my life before the snapping ever occurs. I promise you that.
I just, I don’t remember really being committed to anything or anyone I was just always remotely independent. Even within family. o.o” I never thought it was a problem growing up cause everyone would tell me how good it is to be independent and not depend on others and not wait around and not you know, have to be attached. People would tell me that they should start acting a bit like me and start shutting up around people but, that’s just who I am. I honestly don’t know any other way to be right now. I’ve just been studying people and lately studying, well I guess I should really say “observing” relationships. And the happier ones are the communicating ones. The ones that are open, the ones that know how to care for each other and other people. And I want to be happy, but I don’t know how to commit. I really don’t. I’m a woman, and I don’t know how to commit.
The guy that chases after me is in for the race of his life. lol!
It’s so easy for me to detach from people and cut them out of my life because after they’re out of sight and out of mind for awhile, you really don’t have to worry about too much pain. But the longer they’re in your life the longer the pain marinates, and the longer it will reside with you long after they’re gone and I guess that’s what I don’t want to deal with. The time limit.
I guess in a word, I’m about time.
Maybe that’s my issue with commitment. Maybe that’s my issue about a lot of things.
It’s starting to really make sense now. My issues is with time seems like………..okay. So where do we go from here?
I’m really glad I started iThinkBlind now. It’s really helping me see a lot of things. But for right now, I’m ’bout to go to sleep. Laters my Blind Thinkers! 😉