I Just Want To Be SANE

Is that okay with everyone?

Why is it that every time I manage to get myself into a peaceful state of mind (which isn’t very OFTEN mind you) someone SOMEWHERE just has to come and TAKE IT OVER!?!?!!

Okay, I was in a fairly good disposition today. Not awesome, not ecstatic, not over-the-top overjoyed floating across the sky happy, but just decent which is alot better than I’ve been in some MONTHS.

I got asked if I wanted to be trained to be a supervisor at my job to which I had responded ‘no’ lol, but now that I’m thinking on it I might go back and tell them I just *might* accept. I mean, hey, why not? (there’s actually a number of reasons of why not but I’m trying to stay positive, m’kay!?). And then I come home.

And get bombarded by everyone else’s troubles.

Look, I’m sure everything is wrong with everybody. I’m pretty much 99.9.9.9.9.9.9.9.9% sure of that! But I just want to know, how come when people see a person being upbeat and positive and happy about life, why they just feel the need to wash all of that down the drain with their problems?

Do you really think I have the mentality to be dealing with that right now? I barely have a stable mentality of my own, I JUST got a peace of mind TODAY. My co-worker even had to ask me “girl what’s wrong with you!? You just been gettin on EVERYBODY today!” and honestly, I was only playing with everyone, but I am noticing that. I’m noticing that I’ve become alot meaner in a short period of time.

So I get some relative happiness and I’m met with MORE depression!?

Okay…who is it?

Who wants me to lose my mind? Raise your hands high now!

…….

anybody?

I just want to stop being drained by everyone. I’ve been pinching my happiness off since last November and I can never seem to keep it because other people stay so absorbed in their own problems. I would LOVE to help you out with your problems (and I’m guessing nobody sees this sarcastic grin on my face through these words…) but can’t you wait til like….TOMORROW!?

I just don’t feel like hearing about the world ending today.

And if it does….

Well, oh well.

 

 

Oh. The hell. Well.

 

~ thinkblind ~

Just… Pointless…

I have alot of ideas about what I want, what I think, where I want to be, where I’m going and where I possibly want to end up. But I don’t think that I think enough about reality.

Is that a bad thing?

I feel like whenever I reach a destination, I’m already halfway into a dream trying to reach another one. Some of them have been accomplished, a couple seem a little out of my reach (right now anyway), and others are somewhere straggling in the wind.

I just feel like I’m a body of dreams and ideas and there’s nothing really….what’s the word? Tangible about me. My presence in life is about as tangible as the wind is on my face. You can feel it knock you down, you know it’s there but at the same time, you can’t really grasp it. You can’t capture it.

And that’s how I feel. Like my mind is making my un-capture-able….? I spend all day thinking about life. THINKING about what I wanna do, THINKING about where I wanna be, THINKING about what I need to change which is where the motto “Just DO it” started to really drill into my brain.

But I still feel like I’m not doing enough.

What’s keeping me spinning around in this endless circle? What’s up with me feeling like the goals I reach just aren’t enough?

Is it because other people are reaching far more goals than I am? That they’re dreaming bigger than me? I am a bit of a competitor, but I never really thought I’d be competitive over dreams.

What’s going on with me and how come nothing seems like enough? Jobs don’t seem like enough, activities don’t seem like enough, learning a new skill doesn’t seem like enough, exploring doesn’t seem like enough, a good guy doesn’t seem like enough. I always feel empty herelately and it’s mainly because I always ALWAYS feel like there’s somebody somewhere whose disappointed in my not giving 200% when I gave 199. Working seems pointless til the fact that I’d rather give up a lot of things I have just so I don’t have to deal with the extra stress, but I know how I get at times and I like to have a few nice things to. But I’m tired of having to keep up with “nice” things, updating “nice” things cost “nice” dollars that “nice” people like me ain’t got “nice” time for.

Talking seems pointless, people don’t hear me anyway. Thinking seems pointless cause people can go out there and be completely stupid and be awarded the entire world whereas people like me who always strategize are made to look like a fool because, though my work is accurate, it’s not “quick” enough.

Sometimes I just feel so pointless and just…lost.

I don’t get it and I really want to know WHERE this is coming from so I can stop it. I never used to feel so empty and pointless, why is it happening now?

 

~thinkblind~

I’m Sick With Positivity

For some reason, herelately my fantasies are starting to feel like my reality.

I just feel like whatever I dream, I can get it. Whatever I want, I could have it. Whatever I want to change, I can change it. Knowing that God will be behind me as long as I keep on the right track, I just…I feel like I could do anything.

Things that I need to worry about don’t concern me like it used to, I just….I feel new. Like I need to be NEW.

Things shook up last year, but maybe I need to keep on shaking things up. Maybe I need to keep brainstorming new ideas of what I wanna do, where I wanna go, what I wanna be, and what I wanna have. What kinda happiness I’m seeking, whatever it is that I’m looking for.

The only thing that hasn’t come my way yet is Love, but hey, it’s whatever, right?

Now I want to go to Boracay, Phillipines. It’s the most beautiful beach I’ve EVER seen, I want to go there. Every year I just keep talking up new ideas and going for it. I think, that the day I said that I would stop wishing and just go for it was the best thing I could’ve ever told myself.

Just DO it. (Nike was on that! lol)

I think what I really want to start doing is traveling and it’s just been on my heart. Things, a lot of things are just starting to seem possible. I’m clear on the highway, nobody’s in front of me and I’m just cruising along, this is what it feels like. It feels….good. It feels good.

I’m still anxious. The thought of leaving the state gives me straight anxiety no doubt, but it’s starting to feel like good anxiety. I don’t know how to explain it.

It’s like, I don’t want to be down anymore. I don’t want to be down and depressed, I want avenues and ways to always be able to get out. I don’t wanna get down and stay down anymore for I know what it’s like.

The people around me (even the ones I can’t STAND) are giving me ideas on ways to get out and stay out. Like Anonyman, he’s a persistent business man trying to make his own business which is where the idea for me to start selling handmade goods came from. It’s just alot of things.

Alot of things.

I feel like I know where I want to be, at least the path I want to be on anyways…

I just feel like I’ll get there…. And that I’ll be okay.

 

~thinkblind~

I’m A Lazy Bastard

Ya got that right!

I was just here thinking, well not really, on the road driving through some old neighborhoods and…..thinking. But not BLIND no people you don’t think BLIND when you’re driving on the ROAD!!!!!!!

lol

But I was thinking about work and having one, trying to find one, loving one and then hating it, getting to comfortable in one, just work work and ummm……ohhh what was that third thing?….OH YEAH.

Work.

And I came to the conclusion…..man I don’t want to work.

lol But who does, who really does? I was just thinking that maybe I should find a little second job yet again but NOT in retail, but one that I can probably work at like two or three days a week, and get paid weekly. I don’t know WHERE that job is gonna come from, but I don’t necessarily want another clock in/clock out job (clock in! clock out! turn yourself about! clock in! clock out! go to work and pout! lol) because it kinda defeats the purpose of me going to get a second job. The job I have takes care of all my bills pretty much, but I hardly have anything to splurge with, to go out with, to do ANYTHING with. So I said “lets find a second job so I can have the money to do the stuff that I want to do”…

But do you know what’s REALLY gonna happen?

I’m gonna get that second job. Be to my first job by six, get off somewhere by two, go home and nap for an hour, jump up to go to the second job which will probably be at like four or five, then work there for another five hours, come home EXHAUSTED and have to repeat the process the next day. On the days I work only one job, I’m gonna sleep in til I go to the one job, and on the days I have both jobs off (which will probably be RARE) I’m either gonna spend it sleep all day or cleaning all day.

How do I know?

Previous experience.

And that kinda defeats the purpose of getting the second job, so currently I’m just trying to figure out a way to bring in more cash flow without actually having to say “ugh, I got TWO jobs man”. I’m thinking about starting to make more handmade products and selling them, maybe making hats and keychains or trying to make…somewhat decent paintings that maybe SOMEONE would want to buy for like fifteen bucks. Something! I may go online, or just locally, who knows. I’m not looking to make hundred dollars a week, but even bringing in forty or fifty a week will be all that I need, honestly.

I just, haaaa my ultimate dream would be to not have to “work” at all. I don’t want an office job as I much as I’ve tried to convince myself over the years that that is the job for me, it’s not. It’s too stationary, too repetitive, too stressful, and too ugh. I mean everyone that tells me “ooh girl that job would be PERFECT for you” mean well, but I don’t know if the job is right for me. It’s not like those people really know me because every year, those same people who keep suggesting my life always seem to say “wow, I didn’t know you could do THAT” lol yeah, but I do. And I know what makes me happy and zone out and being outside of a cubicle and office does that for me. This little stock job I have is good but it’s starting to get major repetitive for me and annoying.

I don’t have big degrees like everyone else, I don’t have any degrees and I’m not looking forward to years of schooling, trying to finish out this little certificate is enough.

Haaa, I think this is coming from my committment issues that I discussed earlier.

You know I always knew it would be a big deal one day, but I didn’t know it was THAT big of a deal.

 

~thinkblind~

So I Joined A Gym…..Now What?

I actually really like it too, I started it with a trial pass for seven days and enjoyed it, so I went and signed up. It’s a fairly quiet gym, really quiet and not always full of a whole bunch of people watching you and probably trying to match and go beyond what you’re doing. I’ve only been to a gym one another time (on another trial pass lol) and I backed away from going for years. But I want to start strength training and I do NOT have the place to have all that equipment in my home. lol So, gym it is!

The people are really nice and warm, feels very secure, members get a key so that they can come in at all hours of the day (or night) even when the staff is out. Plenty cameras everywhere, and hardly anyone comes in there anyways, I like it. =)

I did a lot of getting in shape early last year, around this time actually (doesn’t everyone?) and I managed to lose like 25 pounds and slim down like…. what? Like 4 jean sizes, I trimmed down a LOT. But somewhere along the lines of life, love, and not-love, I gained a few pounds back as well as a few inches. Nothing majorly dramatic but I am starting to notice my jeans beginning to squeeze tighter than usual. Which isn’t good cause they are my favorite jeans and I wear them all the time. They are really the only ones that fit nice. lol!

I always said when I got down to my dream size or look, I would go crazy with the wardrobe redo but I never did…for I never got down to that “dream look”. This year, I want to, and I want to get that nicely toned stomach, tiny waist, all that jazz. Even though I did a lot of reconstructing last year with my mind, body and soul, I still have a whole heck of a lot more reconstructing to do.

 

In fact, I’ll always be reconstructing something…..

 

~thinkblind~

That ONE Thing I Wanna Be GREAT at…

But…I don’t know what it is. lol

You know how you see and know those people who just have that CALLING, and the other people who are just….straggling along…I feel like I’m straggling. That annoying split end that is going to get cut off eventually because it’s just not good enough.

This isn’t a post of me being depressed, this is me just thinking…..You know, thinking BLIND? lol I mean, I’m pretty decent with a lot of things, I catch on really quick to new things and I kinda like trying new things.

But I just never find the ONE thing that I can EXCEL at. I love drawing, painting, playing the piano, cooking, writing, all types of stuff. Crocheting, knitting, doing my hair, sittin’ somewhere imaginating, all that jazz. But, I’m only decent. I’m passable….at everything that I do.

Maybe that should be my new year’s resolution (the only that I’m going to keep! lol)? To take one of my passable skills….and excel. To become great at something even if to everyone else….I still suck.

But I can’t decide! I wanna be great at everything! lol I dream about being that all-around girl that can do anything she sets her mind to. I think from last year I proved to myself, anything truly is a possibility. I don’t know why I’m so scared to keep trying to pursue a better me. Maybe because it’s starting to seem….possible? Or maybe the possibility of failing? Ha, I’m scared to fail AND succeed, now what’s that!? lol I’m passable that’s what it is. LOL!

 

~ thinkblind ~

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